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Pam Ann

Pam Ann

Pam Ann

Profession Comedienne, Air Hostess
Hometown London (and Melbourne)
Website http://pamann.com/

Madonna calls her “cruelly funny”. Even Cher and Elton John are big fans. Pam Ann identifies the quirks and stereotypes of some of the biggest airlines and mixes it up with a generous dose of camp, humor and fabulousness.

Fasten your seat belt, stow your designer luggage and prepare for the flight of your life. We talked to the glamourous air hostess when she was last in New York. She's now back for a round of High Alert at Joe's Pub, then check her website for upcoming dates. No women with perms or men with Arsenio Hall fade cuts allowed.

Interview by George Shapiro.

Did you always know you wanted to be a flight attendant?

Yes, since I was a little girl. I just loved the glamour of it all....which has now been sucked out of the industry today like a Qantas 747 losing half its fuselage.

Are you offended when people label flight attendants as waitresses in the sky?

Air Hostess, please.  A waitress would not know how to disarm a terrorist, put out a fire at 37,000ft while in turbulence over the Pyrenees, and maintain her flawless full face of MAC, now would she?

Who designed your uniform?

I wear Emilio Pucci.

What are some perks that come with being an air hostess?

I get to traffic babies for Madonna. She has more than little Mercy and David, you know. Madge has at least 20 kids from Malawi thanks to moi.

Pam Ann Airlines traffics African babies?

God knows how many American Airlines has bought in for her. JetBlue could only dream of trafficking, the closest thing they get to traffic is a native bird from Nantucket to Burbank.

Have you ever witnessed any serious drama in the cockpit?

Yes, both my captains were so intoxicated last week. I had to take over the controls whilst flying from St Petersburg to New York. It was all that Russian Vodka. It ended fine, though. I had only consumed 5 dirty martinis so naturally I became the designated driver.

What are some essential items every respectable gay man and women should include in their carry-on travel bags?

Xanax, propofol, diprivan and Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour cream.

Is there anyone you will not allow in your cabin?

Anyone against gay marriage can fuck off.

What are your thoughts on airline safety?

It was easier to fly back in the jet set era of time when you could board a Boeing in your Dianne Von Furstenberg wrap dress with a full set of carving knives and a 500ml can of VO5. It was always glamour over safety and personally, I believe that’s how it should be. That’s why just this morning, I took my cockpit door off and hung up a gorgeous beaded curtain.

Has the extra security made the skies less friendly?

Oh no, it’s much, much friendlier today.  I love playing games with security and it makes their day more enjoyable as well. Do you think security really cares what you’re bringing on the plane? All they are thinking about is finishing their shift and running to the salon to get scenes of Hawaii in glitter painted on their six inch acrylic nails.

How does Pam Ann Airlines compare to the other major carriers?

American Airlines crews are so old most of them started flying in the 17th century and don’t even realize they are in the air. On Pam Ann Airlines, we mean it when we say ‘welcome aboard’...not like British Airways.  When they greet their passengers they look at them like they are personally responsible for the death of Princess Diana.

How do you feel about airlines charging money for two or more bags? Is anything free on board anymore?

Apparently on Southwest, passengers are required to roll jump onto the plane while it’s taxiing to save money on fuel. On Pam Ann Airlines, everything is free. We even offer a good night service with a complimentary happy ending.

There’s one last available pillow and blanket on board. Who do you give it to? The rich single guy? The pregnant woman? Or the gay?

I’ll take it. Fuck em!

Why did you decide to end 09 in NYC?

The airline industry is a mess.  Southwest is falling apart, Jet Blues landing gear never comes down, Mexicana airlines is grounded due to swine flu.  Glamour has been sucked out of the industry like a Qantas 747 losing half its fuselage.  I need to experience some fabulousness – so here I come, New York!

Pam Ann is currently in New York for her show "High Alert" at Joe’s Pub. If you missed it, check her website for upcoming shows.